FERT

Humans of Lagos I've observed this trend, a child will do better if she/he follow in the footstep of his/her parents. The son or daughter of a musician will do better, get recognition and sympathy for his fathers' sake; The child of a clergy will rise faster in the religious industry than other clergymen who are trying to break into the ministry fresh; The child of a prostitute will be more professional than novice venturing into the profession; The child of military official will get promoter quickly than others who don't have parental link. I am forever grateful for being the son of politicians. My father even at age 56years old is the national leader of the youth wing of his political party while my mother is still the women movement secretary of the political party at the national level. I'm gonna rule my people, I'm gonna move with the high and mighty, I'm gonna enjoy the National cake, I'm gonna be protected by the immunity clause. I'm g...

When my father died six years ago, his church came up with the deceased debt which I, the only surviving child must clear. It was not easy for a government salary earner like me to pay off for a debt I never incurred nor budgeted for. Of course I did, I paid off my father's tithe, levies, church development, missionary and thanksgiving debts. I spent huge amount of money for the funeral rites, friends and family came to eat at the party without compensating me financially. I was not too happy that I had to borrow money just to finance a funeral. I did spend money when my mother died too, last year. She owed the church, but nobody could ascertained if she owed her God. So this year, I vowed never to be a burden on my children. So I stopped going to church. And when I thought about my funeral rites, I made a smart switch of my religion from Christianity to Islam. I converted to Islam because the religion funeral programme is simple and fast. My children will no...

'I'm always a first timer at every church service I attend,  I love freebies so much that I rotate churches to attend every Sunday .'

Being a Clergyman, having extra-marital affairs is not allowed; yet I have five kids from two other women outside of my wedlock. My wife doesn't know, church counsel is not aware of this but my mother knows it all. My legally married wife after delivering four beautiful girls won't give me a male child-the pride of every family. Don't attack me, I'm educated, I am well aware about the XY, XX jargon. I need a male child, just as my mother will keep hammering it into my ears. She will say; "Bishop, don't let the name of your father get wiped off, try another woman." Her own fathers' name is wiped off I guess. I tried the first side-chic, she bore me twin girl. The second lady, whom I met as a virgin manufactured a triplet for me, all girls. Yes I didn't give up that fast, I tried the third lady who promised me a male child. She collected huge sum of money from me, I pampered her like the hen that lay golden eggs. And true to her wo...

Back in the village, I am a well respected herbalist. I could summon the Moon to shine in the afternoon and make the Sun to set in the morning. Feared by all, my customers were: warriors that want to win in their wrestling contests, Farmers who want bountiful harvest, Barren woman looking for the fruit of the womb, and then Politicians from the city. I do make more money from the visiting politicians in the city than all other customers of mine combined. So I decided to take my trade and relocate to Lagos city. Settling down in Lagos was facilitated by my customers in the city, and I have everything I needed to myself. The first time I was to prepare a charm; I needed seven eggs, and a White fowl which I bought from the Lagos market. The eggs were unusually bigger than what my village hens would drop and the white fowl was too dull but heavy. On breaking the eggs, I saw three yolks in each eggs instead of one yolk. The bones of the White fowl were not strong. I used i...

This event occurred in my High school days; During the after-school hours after a heavy downpour, my friends and I were walking home by the roadside; when a speeding car entered a pothole and splashed its mud on our white school uniforms. We ran after the car, and because the road is not too good; we caught up with the driver. We descended on him, I slapped him and my friend punched him like a tall boxer would land heavy punches on a shorter boxer who won't close up space on the tall height boxer. He apologized, he even gave us some amount of money to get new clothes; which we angrily collected from him. Sixteen years later. A university graduate, mature and, successful Karate champion me emerged with the time. I was driving along a school building when I accidentally entered a ditch. Before I could pull over to check the situation of my tire(tyre), four little high school rascals came to me giving me blows and flogging. Immediately I flashed back to my own school ...

"I love big things." I don't settle for less. Since my childhood days have I imbibed the culture of going for the biggest. I remember when my parent took my younger brother and I to a party, I demanded for a bigger food pack while others got the smaller ones. I don't date slimmer ladies, I go for the big ones. I have bigger cars, bigger house as well. I did penis enlargement twice when I saw friends with bigger ones. I work at a Zoological garden, and I attached myself to the biggest elephant in the garden. Now the elephant is dead, no tractor to dig its grave, no friends to support; it is only me that will dig this elephants' grave meanwhile cremation is not allowed here.

"I'm an indoor person." I hardly socialize nor meet with people. People do appreciate my distinct gift of writing, but they don't know that I lack human relationship. I talk on almost every aspect of life and people love it, but I got my knowledge from reading diverse books not from interacting with humans personally. I also have difficulty with speech and can hardly construct a simple sentence without making grammatical error. I don't talk to people, I talk to myself; and that's the main reason for my lack of speaking confidence. I partially put the blame on my parents who made me see studying books as the only goal towards success. Twice I've been swindled by conmen, reality of life didn't  dawn on me by mere studying. Last month, I won a writing competition award which gave me the privilege of starting a television show. I am very certain that people will be stunned when they see me talk and make grammatical blunders. I am rea...

"I am a demographer." I have the total number of moral centres in the city (i.e. Churches and Masjids) I am able to forecast the rise in the number of these places of activities. I confirmed that the religious centres are exploding at a geometric progression while social centres are wobbling at an arithmetic progression. Recently, I conducted a well detailed research on every teenager between ages 12-18 years in the city to know their rate of exposure to pornographic materials. Surprisingly, I found none that is innocent of these materials! I mean not even the children of the religious leaders were exempted from viewing these X-rated materials. I'm confused.

I became rich by duping gullible people and oppressing the powerless. I am now born again, and my pastor said that I must make restitution. Somehow, all those who I duped are dead; they died of high blood pressure. I think it is God's way of total provision of Grace just like Jesus did for the prostitute in the bible when he asked her; "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?" All my accusers are dead, I can live on...and enjoy my wealth.

"My two permanent homes, prison and under bridge; I've spent more of my years in the former than the latter."

"She is not my daughter. She is from the lineage of the preserver of my generation." "How do you meet?" "Her father died of hypothermia after rescuing my entire family from a boat mishap. I worship her."

Humans of Lagos "I don't fancy sky-scrappers, I dread the Lift a lot."  "How do you come to such conclusion?" "I've heard stories of how there were sudden power outages on the elevators while working, making passengers inside it becoming stranded grasping for no air. You don't trust electricity supply in the Lagos city! Oh, the only time I entered it, I had narcosis." © FERT, 2015

Humans of Lagos I became rich by duping gullible people and oppressing the powerless.  I am now born again, and my pastor said that I must make restitution. Somehow, all those who I duped are dead; they died of high blood pressure. I think it is God's way of total provision of Grace just like Jesus did for the prostitute in the bible when he asked her; "Where are your accusers? Didn't even one of them condemn you?" All my accusers are dead, I can live on...and enjoy my wealth.

Humans of Lagos "I won't marry." I've seen several pictures of supposedly beautiful ladies on social media, I loved it. Now I'm wise, I now understand the power of make up/make over. Nothing is almost real with the ladies of nowadays. I've seen boobs looking firm in braziers, but are actually sagged in reality. I don't wanna talk about plastic surgeries to enhance beauties. No, I won't marry. Only if men like me would protest by having nothing to do with these ladies, then ladies will know that it is not a joking matter!

I didn't intend to cheat, I wanted to be faithful with my sales; but if I don't, who will?  The Millennial are seekers of vain glory, they only place value on money not quality.  It is very okay by them to by expensive clothes even when the cost of production is very low. I am a trader by profession, I'm not dishonest but I lie to maximize profit; for blessed is he or she that is wise.  These youths won't patronize made in Nigeria products, they want to wear the imported materials like clothes and shoes even when they have never been to the airport!  They believe that the more costly a product is, the more quality it will be.  They keep spending the more to impress others. I get low grade clothes and shoes imported from the overseas, I get low quality products from even Vietnam.  All I do is re-packaging, re-branding and aggressive marketing. My store is a big one. I may not be able to speak impeccable...

It was an hectic day for me, that I was so tired and slept off in the chartered commercial vehicle that conveyed me from the airport to my street residence. When I got home, it was then that I realized that I couldn't find my cell phone and wallet which contained my identity card, few naira notes and my Automated Teller Machine (ATM) Card. I remembered holding my phone while I was in the vehicle but concluded that I will never be able to get reunited with my phone and other lost items.  I've always been careless with my belongings and moreover I was very certain that the driver doesn't appear to be a responsible person. I tried to sleep but couldn't find it, my girlfriend was so worried. A call came through to her cell phone and when she picked her phone to receive the call she screamed;  "Honey, It's your number that's calling!" The driver, a good Lagosian called her, he located my house and returned my phone w...

My boyfriend cheated on me, so I posted one of our sex tapes on the internet and it went viral. Now everybody want to know me, I'm fast becoming a celebrity.

I was scanning through pictures off my phone this morning and I saw the one's in which her and I were kissing. Our relationship crashed only six days back, I don't want to ever remember our shared memories. Today I missed her, she used to be my best friend, my confidant, my adviser, my motivator and she knew how broken I was but she still abandoned me.

I match make lovers, yet I am in no relationship. I don't love.