FERT

 "WHY YOU MUST BE WISE" An essay. Enjoy. So, this man, a Nigerian living in the USA guaranteeing to help my writing career explode brought his Nigerian girlfriend to me to write a website landing page for her business. Initially, he'd criticized me so much about my writing style, and contested that I couldn't excel in my chosen career. He advised that I'd started breeding dogs for sales. So, when he brought the lady, I thought of it that I should bill them moderately. But I was surprised when this man from Texas, USA told me that I'm to do the work probono, since it's one of the criteria he'd use in accessing my writing excellence to ascertain if I'm worth helping or not. Ah! Ìkúnlẹ̀ abiyamọ o! I'm to do a real-time landing page for free? Just because an atheist living in the USA is giving me a "lifeline"? So I humbly told the man that: "I don't work that way. My works are out there. I could have given you a website landing p...

 Prayer for the Bettors! (Image sourced from GettyImage) OH Lord, the seer of things to come, the revealer of the mysteries;  at your feet, we humbly bow. Let the blood of the, Chickens, Turkeys, Rams, and many more animals slaughtered for the New Year festivities atone for our sins. We cancel every red in our tickets. Shift away from us, our many years of pains, and give unto them, the bookies. Let the bookies be sad at our wins, let them wail from our winnings.  Let our sure odds not give us hypertension. And our over 2.5 not faint at the junction of over 1.5! That our Yes to GG never gets cut short. Anoint our heads to predict scores correctly, and your flaming fire we plead to destroy every machination of the VAR. Many are our afflictions. We've been labeled lazy by most of our friends and family members. How long will it take you, Oh Lord to rise in our defense? We have not stake beyond that which can hurt us if we lose. Let the seeds of our stakes blossom like veget...

See, A very long time ago, all animals were united and lived harmoniously, then came a snitch - Rat ! Since then, whenever and wherever a rat is smelled , other animals do attack. If you're in any doubt, ask the wild felines or the serpents.  If we fail to rat on  this rodent invasion, they'll thrive so fast like a rat up a drainpipe . I am sure you won't like it if we look like a drowned rat  under this incursion by the rats if not checked. After all, it's all a rat race , just that here, the race of rats will be cleansed. And after then, we will relax and enjoy ourselves. Thank you. FERT, 2020 

So a fraudster sent this mail; "Leτs geτ sτrαιghτ το ρurροse. oluwafemi οηe οf yοur ραssρhrαse. Nο-οηe hαs ραιd me το ιηνesτιgατe αbοuτ yοu. Yοu dο ηοτ κηοw me αηd yοu αre ρrοbαbly wοηderιηg why yοu're geττιηg τhιs e-mαιl? Ι seτuρ α sοfτwαre οη τhe X νιdeο clιρs (ροrηοgrαρhy) sιτe αηd τhere's mοre, yοu νιsιτed τhιs websιτe το hανe fuη (yοu κηοw whατ Ι meαη). Whιle yοu were νιewιηg νιdeο clιρs, yοur brοwser sταrτed οuτ ορerατιηg αs α RDP wιτh α κey lοgger whιch gανe me αccess το yοur screeη αηd webcαm. Ιmmedιατely αfτer τhατ, my sοfτwαre ρrοgrαm gατhered yοur eητιre cοηταcτs frοm yοur Messeηger, Fαcebοοκ, αηd emαιl . Afτer τhατ Ι creατed α νιdeο. Fιrsτ ραrτ dιsρlαys τhe νιdeο yοu were νιewιηg (yοu hανe α gοοd ταsτe hαhα . . .), αηd 2ηd ραrτ shοws τhe νιew οf yοur web cαm, & ιτ ιs yοu. Yοu dο hανe τwο ορτιοηs. Shαll we reαd τhe ροssιbιlιτιes ιη αsρecτs: 1sτ sοluτιοη ιs το ηeglecτ τhιs emαιl. Ιη τhιs ιηsταηce, Ι wιll seηd yοur νery οwη νιdeο το eαch οηe οf yοur ρ...

Lawyers won't see heaven. Last week, I was inside the car of my lawyer friend, he was confidently driving on the wrong lane of the traffic. A traffic patrol officer caught up with us and then arrested us. So my friend asked him to allow us leave the lane so as not cause accident. The officer agreed, and we moved to the right lane waiting for the officer to cross over. "Yes, I am arresting you for driving on the wrong lane of the traffic." He stated. My friend flared up, "why are you trying to lie, do you know that I am a lawyer? Now tell me, what exactly my offence is. Am I on the wrong lane here?" I was as shocked as the bewildered police officer. © FERT, 2019

I love to work late into the dead of the night, when all living things are deep asleep. When I snore; Chickens tremble, Sleeping babies awake, The foundation of the house I stay inside vibrates, Mosquitoes are confused and subdued, And the dust in my room does a whirlwind dance. I no longer feel cold in chilling weather conditions. Google informed me that the fat deposited in my organs have protected my irritability. I don't want to die. Yet I hate to exercise and I love food. © FERT, 2019

ME: He lied! HER: What did he lie about? ME: He recently said that Senegalese Jollof Rice is better than Nigerians'. HER: It is. Senegal invented jollof from Wollof region. ME: Nigerians perfected the act of Jollof rice HER: Nigerians burnt the rice ME: Stop. Stop trying to bring down my country. Nigeria's Jollof Rice is the best. Richard Quest of CNN even confirmed it. HER: Nigerians hate the truth. ME: Don't rate any country's Jollof Rice above Nigerian's HER: I just did ME: That's an insult I'll not take. HER: Even people who cannot cook jollof are fighting ME: Who cannot cook Jollof? Please mention names. HER: 1. You. 2. The very boy I'm chatting with right now. ME: I'll deal with You. HER: Quit dealing. Cook jollof and proof yourself ME: I'm out of this discussion. I'm angry HER: Be angry © FERT, 2017

Chief Product Officer (CPO): USA is only 5 million subscribers away from India's 213 million Faceboot users. Brazil still have the largest black users sitting behind India with 123 million users. While in Africa, Egypt lead with 32 million users, as Western Sahara with 23 thousand users sit at the bottom of the list. Surprisingly, Nigeria with close to 200 million population only have 18 million users to fill the second spot on the Africa's list pushing Algeria to the third position... Chief Operating Officer (COO): (cuts in) talking about Nigeria, whenever I monitor the activity logs there...All I see is fight, and war. Chief Technology Officer (CTO): (Asian accent) I know right! Daily they renew fighting scenes. If they are not fighting the government, they'll be remembering the opposition. Supremacy war over unnecessary things. There's feminism war, religious/irreligious war is a never ending thing. I guess that Third World War may breakout from that country. ...

DAD: You cannot marry him. DAUGHTER: But why? DAD: He's an Atheist. DAUGHTER: He's human. DAD: He's not on the Lord's side. DAUGHTER: I love him. DAD: You are too young to understand love. DAUGHTER: He's good at love making. I love the way he looks at me.  The way he handles me with care and devotion, and his touch, oh his... DAD: (cuts in) Abomination plus fornication! So you're no longer a Virgin? That Atheist disvirgined you. DAUGHTER: No he's not the one that first touched me. DADDY: Whatever. I'm taking you to Apostle for deliverance. DAUGHTER: Well Dad, Apostle is the one that disvirgined me. DAD: (screams) What??? DAUGHTER: He licked me from my head to toe. He said my oranges are juicy. Licking me down there like an hungry servant devouring the crumbs on the king's plate. He was screaming "Jesus!" "Sweet delicious Jesus!" as his black and blessed rod with thick round tip found my ready wetness. He found my Gsp...

Rumbles in my Tummy,  Body systematically shutting down,  Demanding for sacrifice,  The sacrifice that'll only bring harmony and coordination. Yesterday's munching isn't  today's sacrifice.  Each day must have its feast.  Like the Pavlov's dog salivating at the hearing of the bell, my mouth waters in a great anticipation for what the gods are sending.  Food, the fuel that drives existence.  Without it, the powerful becomes powerless.  We eat to live, I don't live for food though.  Yet I'm always hungry. © FERT, 2017

So this useless coworker, entered the office this afternoon. He brought with him chocolates plenty enough to go round everybody, but he, instead shared it only among the ladies in the office. My mouth watered in vanity for the chocolate I saw with my eyes, smelled with my big flat nose. My salivary gland secreted more saliva in anticipation to devour the food, My enzymes rose to action to help digest the chocolate, alas, he dashed my hope. I so much hate him right now, he cannot but die someday. A disgrace to the men folk. ©FERT, 2017

As a prophet, while praying for you last night, I received a revelation about you. I saw a big light, whiter than the snow, and then saw angels descending and ascending. Then I heard a voice that sounded like that of a roaring Lion, it echoed like a trumpet blew from  an empty hall. I knelt for I was terrified at the sound of what I heard, and the whiteness of the light took away my breathe. So a man, whose face appears as of a baby touched my shoulder with his tender palm. He smiled at me, "Fear not." He said unto me. Then he told me about you that you are still using last year toothbrush in this year 2017. Is it a lie? © FERT, 2017

The coach convinced the team's supporters that Morgan Bahuri is the only striker that could help the football team to victory. Coach stated; "Bahuri can score a goal from the centre half, he uses both leg and he's very swift like El Nino, the ocean's natural phenomenon. He's simply unstoppable." The spectators paid extra gate fees just because they wanted to see Bahuri demolish his opponent. "Bahuri is the surest and a saviour." The supporters assured themselves. It's show time, Bahuri with his teammates entered the field of play gallantly like a mosquito that is attracted by Carbondioxide gas. And then the match began. The opponent appeared to have a solid defense, but with Bahuri, everybody expected humiliation. Few minutes into the play, Bahuri complained to the Referee that the opponent's defenders' muscles were rock solid. So the referee ordered that they should be substituted with measly defenders. Impossibility is nothing...

Okay people,  my own bad news here... I'm down with catarrh. I've been treating it though, but I'm now inside an air conditioned studio. My eyes are almost popping up, My nostrils are running far away from me, My voice is scarier than the sound of hell, My teeth are as weak as the faeces of a vegan, And my head is thrice as heavier than the cross of Jesus. I'm in a very bad shape now, yet no news is talking about me. I AM SUFFERING FROM CATARRH © FERT, 2016

Suicide Note. By the time you are reading this letter, I'd be confirmed dead. I love sex, and I don't hide it. Eighty percent of my income goes directly into satisfying my sexual appetites. My friend, Sandra, not my girlfriend but my sex mate used to be there for me four years ago. I'd teach her Mathematics in exchange for sex, before she relocated out of town. I lost my job late last year, so I moved to the bigger city in search for a greener pasture. I learned to abstain from sex, and focused on getting my bearing right. I've lived without sex for months in my new city, and then I met Sandra again. Sandra is now more beautiful than before. We met inside a commercial bus. She shouted my name, we hugged and kissed. Later, she gave me the address to her place. I refused to visit her initially. My new principle; "you don't make love when you're broke," was my guide. But upon her insistence for a visit, we agreed to meet on a public holiday...

Humans of Lagos "This teaching; "blessed are the meek, and the peacemakers for theirs is the kingdom of heaven," is the teaching that raises obedient children as baits for this blame trading society. I was raised to adopt the teaching, so I became the trash bin for my fellow humans that are always happy to put the blame on others. "I am sorry," the sentence I was dogmatically trained to be uttering all the time was the sentence that made me internalise several junks that I ought to trash out. I say; "I'm sorry," all the time even when I'm right.  My adopted sister once counselled me about not saying it whenever I do no wrong. However, I couldn't change. I get sad when I'm right but I still say those lines to make others happy and avoid quarrel. Yet the other party still act as if I was actually right to be sorry. So one day, I changed. On a Friday evening, I entered into the front seat of a commercial bus. When I closed the passe...

First of all, as a matter of succinct Introduction, I AM MAN.  I am a man; the strength of his father, and the lord over his mother. The pride of the family. I am the heir apparent to a very great but confused kingdom.  I am a Man and I am a very superior being. I can marry many wives, and do as I want with them. My wife, I repeat, my wife cannot wear my crown. I am regal and powerful. Very powerful.  But one day, I became overly depressed that I committed suicide. I appeared at the seat of judgement, and the angel asked why I deleted myself from earthly existence.  "My pride, I'm the man. I reserved the right to sleep with as many women that I want to. I ought to be the one to gloat in my sexual escapades. but I met a lady, the shameless girl went about telling men and women about how poor I was on the bed. She bragged about how I nearly passed on to beyond when she was giving me a blow job just like Félix François Faure the French presiden...

You came confessing to me that you've got a spirit husband. You told me that the heavenly husband do discourage potential earthly suitors from staying on to love you. "He'll always appear to them in their dreams to dissuade and threaten them from keeping a relationship with me." You lamented. I implored you to calm down. I assured you that spirit husbands cannot interfere in earthly romance. So like the sacrificial lamb, I offered myself for a controlled experimental relationship; just to show that spirit husband ought not to influence earthly affair. Six hundred and sixty-six (666) times we made love. On the couch, quickies at the beach, in the trunk, in the wood, at the kitchen; awesome sex we had. Yet, I saw no spirit husband in the dream or anywhere else. Now with regret I announced that the experiment is over. After all, we've now established that spirit husband is just a strong and oppressive masturbation. I need to move on. However, you...

I was at the strip club hanging out with my friends, when we started talking about the religious leaders. My friends talked about clergymen excesses and love for vain things thereby derailing people from god. So a man got up in anger, he threw the bottle of his liquor on the ground and then said: "what moral justification have you to insult clergymen? Are you supposed to be at the strip club drinking liquor in the first instance? I'm a pastor of more than 50, 000 spectators sorry congregations, so stop abusing men of god. We are all sinners!" After his rants, we changed the topic to football. © FERT, 2016

My problems got so much on me, and then I thought of ending it. However, I decided to visit a White garment church before bidding the world farewell. At the entrance of the church, I was asked to put off my shoe for I was at a holy place. And I did. After my consultation with the priest, and on my getting to the entrance gate of the temple, I found my shoe missing at the holy ground. So a holy voice said unto me; "you've got no problem really; after all your shoe is expensive enough to be stolen. And then I went home and live happily ever after. © FERT, 2016