FERT

Humans of Lagos " Last week, I insulted a girl for refusing my proposal. She's fond of using "am" instead of "I'm".  I abused her like a wife of a drunken stupor abusing her husband when cleaning him. But yesterday, Facebook brought to remembrance my posts of last year...I saw myself or spirit writing; "am happy...", "am not against..." We grow at our own pace. Now I believe, there's judgement day." © FERT, 2015

Help me o. My third leg went out of order,  and mistakenly impregnated 6 young girls. I need money for the abortion of 3 pregnancies and more money for the other's antenatal.  Help me! I got so drunk at a freebies event. On my way home,  I fell upon 50 crates of eggs. I'm in debt! Please help me!    I need to pay the school fees of my 7 children. I asked their mother to stop working when men will not allow my wife rest. Help! I want to submit a detailed business proposal to a multinational company. I need packaging, the limousine I wanna rent is just 100, 000 naira per hour. Kindly help! My house rent at Lekki area is due again. Send 2.4 million to me to make the payment.  Please help me, cos I'm hungry. © FERT , 2015

AHMED: Hey, where do you think that you're coming to? PAUL: Mosque of course.  AHMED: why are you coming with your phones with their chargers and personal computer? Is the mosque safe? PAUL: Sure the mosque is safe. I will be charging my devices with the mosque's electricity generator while worshipping. After all, I saw Bridget, the church usher, your side chic charging your phone at the altar last sunday. AHMED: Wow! Don't loud that, Halimat must not know about Bridget. Come inside and worship your maker while I give Halimat your devices to charge for you. PAUL: Thanks but don't bother, just get me Khadijat, she'll help with the charging. AHMED: Oops, is she your side-chic? Be careful, Abubakar, her main guy is in the mosque presently. PAUL: Of course, I will be. See, my new Koran. AHMED: Wow, it is beautiful. I have a bible too and it is under my pillow. I think God is teaching us something here. We are one. PAUL: Of course, He is talking, only...

Àwon Omo aláìgboràn pò n'Ilé Ìwé, Won kò f'Etí sílè sóhun t'Olùkó ńkó won. Chorus: Dòdò àti Ráìsì kògbodò kojá, wón á jeun-jeun, wón á gbòdo roboto. Isé, isé, ìyen kìń se tiwon, Eré, Eré,  ìyen ni tiwon.. Chorus: Dòdò àti Ráìsì kògbodò kojá, wón á jeun-jeun, wón á gbòdo roboto Translation.  Rebellious children abound in schools,  They will not obey their teacher's instructions.  Chorus: They are so addicted to eating rice and fried plantain that they get zero in their studies effortlessly.  They hate hardwork, They are too playful. Chorus: They are so addicted to eating rice and fried plantain that they get zero in their studies effortlessly

The Display Picture is the image of a young comely, naturally beautiful lady; and it's her Birthdate. Such a sweet girl. I composed a wonderful birthday message I'd never done in my life. I loved the poem; solely developed for her. At the juncture of posting my poem with flowers, Facebook wrote; "Greet him on his birthday." "Him?" I wondered. I went straight to the about section of the account, and truly,  he is a he. He is only using the picture of his wife. I was angry, so I sent; "HBD WYLLP" Short for, "Happy Birthday, Wishing You Long Life and Prosperity", on his timeline.  Minutes later, the jobless celebrant liked the post, "Thank you." He then commented almost immediately.  So I blocked him. I don't like it when people will not use their real and recent pictures on social media. What are they hiding? © FERT, 2015

Dialing the telecommunication network provider's Customer care representative hotline,  ringing, connected. Customer Care Representative Agent (CCRA): Hello good afternoon sir, welcome to XXX Customer Care Centre. How may I help you? ME: Good afternoon, my name is Oluwafemi. I want to complain about the poor Internet data service I have been receiving from your network for some days now. CCRA: Mr. Oluwafemi, If I may get you right, you have been receiving poor Internet service for some days now? ME: Yes. CCRA: I'm so sorry about that Mr. Oluwafemi. Please may I know the data plan you're on sir. ME: Cheat, I'm using a browsing cheat that my friend did for me. It used to work so well before now. CCRA: You mean you're using a cheat which is not legal sir? ME: Yes, everybody does it including your this company you are representing. You make illegal deductions from your customers recharged account balances, you send irrelevant SMS as well. CCRA: A...

Humans of Lagos  "For 7 months, my beautiful wife was hospitalized at one of the leading private health care giving centre in the city. She was diagnosed with colon cancer. I pitied her so much, because she underwent a severe excruciating pain during this period.  I consulted a local herbalist with the hope of providing alternative healing process for her. The herbalist instructed me to be sacrificing nutritious cooked food at a T-junction every week to appease the gods that they may heal may wife. I did this religious for 4 months. However, my wife gave up the ghost. Though her demise was a painful lost lost, but we acknowledged that she need the rest. One year on after her death, I changed my location, and started my life all over again.  Last week on my way to the bus station a man ran up to me, he dressed casually. He asked me why I quit putting food at the T-junction. I was surprised how he knew about my weekly rituals back then.  He to...

Humans of Lagos  "My boss at work won't employ married women, he's of the habit of recruiting young beautiful ladies. He doesn't promote his staff based on merit, but according to his discretion.  He is fond of promoting female staff ahead of any hardworking male staff. He's a confirmed womanizer. Last week, his wife accused him of having more female staff strength,  but he told her that he is a strong supporter of feminism © FERT, 2015

Humans of Lagos  "My father called me and said unto me; "Now that you are of age, and searching for the beautiful lady to marry, you must go and learn about how to swim." I asked him why. "You shouldn't be deceived by the beautiful girl you see at the party, don't be swayed by the stunning appearance of the girl at the dinner. You can't just trust any fine looking God fearing girl at the church on Sundays. On your first date, entice the lady to swim at the pool along with you. Then all things about her beauty will be revealed unto you." He's right, very right." © FERT, 2015

Humans of Lagos "My mother, a Fulani married my father an Igbo man. After his death, my father's family seized all his property then sent my mother away. She remarried a Yoruba man as a second wife and the union produced a male child. Rumour had it that my mother was poisoned by the senior wife who could not give birth to any male child.  My stepbrother was sent out but I took him in. He initially practiced Islam while he stayed with me, but joined me in attending Catholic mass. Now he's a proud unbeliever but that's not my problem. We are all connected, we ought to be one, but we allowed ethnic to divide us, and religion to separate us. Though from a single mother, I'm an Igbo man and my stepbrother is a Yoruba man. We were raised to adopt the religion of our fathers.  I love him, we are of the same blood, humanity is supreme. © FERT, 2015

Humans of Lagos Oh my world. This I see and I wonder if the world is ever gonna experience PEACE, and EQUITY and EQUALITY. I see PATRIACHY even among lesbians! I give up.

For the brave... * Do NOT panic. * Be calculating enough to make the snake fall of the tree. Attack the snake because you need to survive. Actually the snake venom bite shouldn't take more than 5 minutes to kill it's victim - compared to crocs bite which can be painful and lion tearing of flesh very disastrous. *If you are successful in sending the snake down into the river...you're left with lion and crocs. However, if the snake fall onto the ground, it will be a case of the Lion against the Snake...the Snake may kill the Lion and get killed too from the Lions claws. But if the snake fall into the water...it will become food for the crocs.  You'll be left with lion to deal with - so rest and take a deep breath on the half cut tree. Plan ahead, if the tree will fall off...you can use the tree branch to attack the lion...who knows it may run. If you don't attack these animals to safe yourself...you be killed.  * Ultimately, don't die like a coward...

MAXWELL: Hey. ROLAND: How you doing? Quite an age. I hardly see you on facebook these days. MAXWELL: I'm fine, well it's quite an age truly. I don't do facebook again, it's now for the kids. ROLAND: Facebook for the kids, like seriously?  MAXWELL: Oh yes Ro., Instagram is the main thing now. It's for the matured minds.  ROLAND: I see. Instagram for the mature minds. Okay, so how's your MSc program going? MAXWELL: I'm done with MSc,  applied for PhD so that I can secure the hope of lecturing someday. ROLAND: Great. You studying Computer Science right? MAXWELL : Yes.  ROLAND: And all wanna do with your PhD in Computer science is lecturing? MAXWELL: Man must survive of course. ROLAND: Do you know that the owner of Facebook also owns Instagram. And you are here, a Computer Scientist...forming levels thinking only of lecturing. Shame. © FERT, 2015

End time sign is when you entered the confession box room and lied so much that the Reverend Father wept because he was deceived by the gravity of your deceit. .................................................................................... That moment when you attend Osun Osogbo Festival, and one of the priests was praying for you and you said; "Amen in Jesus." You can't make heaven neither hell. .................................................................................... You kiss and have sex with your Muslim partner on a regular basis, but rejected the sallah meat quoting bible verse about meat offered to idols. Verily I say unto you, I have removed your name from the book of life. You cannot come and destroy heaven with your hypocrisy. ~ Uztas Ajisafe Ibn Oluwafemi Abdul-Michael.