FERT

Humans of Lagos " Last week, I insulted a girl for refusing my proposal. She's fond of using "am" instead of "I'm".  I abused her like a wife of a drunken stupor abusing her husband when cleaning him. But yesterday, Facebook brought to remembrance my posts of last year...I saw myself or spirit writing; "am happy...", "am not against..." We grow at our own pace. Now I believe, there's judgement day." © FERT, 2015

Help me o. My third leg went out of order,  and mistakenly impregnated 6 young girls. I need money for the abortion of 3 pregnancies and more money for the other's antenatal.  Help me! I got so drunk at a freebies event. On my way home,  I fell upon 50 crates of eggs. I'm in debt! Please help me!    I need to pay the school fees of my 7 children. I asked their mother to stop working when men will not allow my wife rest. Help! I want to submit a detailed business proposal to a multinational company. I need packaging, the limousine I wanna rent is just 100, 000 naira per hour. Kindly help! My house rent at Lekki area is due again. Send 2.4 million to me to make the payment.  Please help me, cos I'm hungry. © FERT , 2015

AHMED: Hey, where do you think that you're coming to? PAUL: Mosque of course.  AHMED: why are you coming with your phones with their chargers and personal computer? Is the mosque safe? PAUL: Sure the mosque is safe. I will be charging my devices with the mosque's electricity generator while worshipping. After all, I saw Bridget, the church usher, your side chic charging your phone at the altar last sunday. AHMED: Wow! Don't loud that, Halimat must not know about Bridget. Come inside and worship your maker while I give Halimat your devices to charge for you. PAUL: Thanks but don't bother, just get me Khadijat, she'll help with the charging. AHMED: Oops, is she your side-chic? Be careful, Abubakar, her main guy is in the mosque presently. PAUL: Of course, I will be. See, my new Koran. AHMED: Wow, it is beautiful. I have a bible too and it is under my pillow. I think God is teaching us something here. We are one. PAUL: Of course, He is talking, only...

Àwon Omo aláìgboràn pò n'Ilé Ìwé, Won kò f'Etí sílè sóhun t'Olùkó ńkó won. Chorus: Dòdò àti Ráìsì kògbodò kojá, wón á jeun-jeun, wón á gbòdo roboto. Isé, isé, ìyen kìń se tiwon, Eré, Eré,  ìyen ni tiwon.. Chorus: Dòdò àti Ráìsì kògbodò kojá, wón á jeun-jeun, wón á gbòdo roboto Translation.  Rebellious children abound in schools,  They will not obey their teacher's instructions.  Chorus: They are so addicted to eating rice and fried plantain that they get zero in their studies effortlessly.  They hate hardwork, They are too playful. Chorus: They are so addicted to eating rice and fried plantain that they get zero in their studies effortlessly

The Display Picture is the image of a young comely, naturally beautiful lady; and it's her Birthdate. Such a sweet girl. I composed a wonderful birthday message I'd never done in my life. I loved the poem; solely developed for her. At the juncture of posting my poem with flowers, Facebook wrote; "Greet him on his birthday." "Him?" I wondered. I went straight to the about section of the account, and truly,  he is a he. He is only using the picture of his wife. I was angry, so I sent; "HBD WYLLP" Short for, "Happy Birthday, Wishing You Long Life and Prosperity", on his timeline.  Minutes later, the jobless celebrant liked the post, "Thank you." He then commented almost immediately.  So I blocked him. I don't like it when people will not use their real and recent pictures on social media. What are they hiding? © FERT, 2015

Dialing the telecommunication network provider's Customer care representative hotline,  ringing, connected. Customer Care Representative Agent (CCRA): Hello good afternoon sir, welcome to XXX Customer Care Centre. How may I help you? ME: Good afternoon, my name is Oluwafemi. I want to complain about the poor Internet data service I have been receiving from your network for some days now. CCRA: Mr. Oluwafemi, If I may get you right, you have been receiving poor Internet service for some days now? ME: Yes. CCRA: I'm so sorry about that Mr. Oluwafemi. Please may I know the data plan you're on sir. ME: Cheat, I'm using a browsing cheat that my friend did for me. It used to work so well before now. CCRA: You mean you're using a cheat which is not legal sir? ME: Yes, everybody does it including your this company you are representing. You make illegal deductions from your customers recharged account balances, you send irrelevant SMS as well. CCRA: A...

Humans of Lagos  "For 7 months, my beautiful wife was hospitalized at one of the leading private health care giving centre in the city. She was diagnosed with colon cancer. I pitied her so much, because she underwent a severe excruciating pain during this period.  I consulted a local herbalist with the hope of providing alternative healing process for her. The herbalist instructed me to be sacrificing nutritious cooked food at a T-junction every week to appease the gods that they may heal may wife. I did this religious for 4 months. However, my wife gave up the ghost. Though her demise was a painful lost lost, but we acknowledged that she need the rest. One year on after her death, I changed my location, and started my life all over again.  Last week on my way to the bus station a man ran up to me, he dressed casually. He asked me why I quit putting food at the T-junction. I was surprised how he knew about my weekly rituals back then.  He to...